I’m 16 and I had a crush on a girl from our class for the past two years. And when I say crush, I mean she started it all — giving all the cues. I want to be honest about how it feels being rejected to cope up with it.

On the last day of our 10th board exams, I confessed my feelings to her. Not in person though, via text, and not directly either — through her friend as a mediator. She said I deserved better, that she doesn’t like anyone, that love is cringe. Then, to make matters worse, I told her the truth about my irrational fear around her. And hearing that, she said no.

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What I felt after being rejected — Day 1 to 4

Honestly, after hearing no, I felt bad but not that much. I thought — I’m good looking, I’m well spoken, I’m well behaved. There’s no way the problem is with me. All I could think was that the problem was with her. Maybe she has a boyfriend. Maybe she’s gay. Maybe she’s testing me.

Then on the 2nd day I felt really good. I mean, genuinely good. I danced all day, sang songs, enjoyed time with friends. I thought — I’m good looking, there’s no way I’m going to trip over one girl my whole life. I could easily find someone more beautiful who’d actually like me.

Then came the 3rd and 4th day — and the real sadness started.

I began having lucid dreams and nightmares about her. I stepped outside my ego for the first time and thought — maybe it was my fault. Maybe I should have told her in person. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her about my fear. But it was too late for that. I had began accepting the truth.

Except one thing kept bothering me. If she doesn’t like me, then why did she used to follow me? Why did she shout my name across the hallway? Why did she ask questions about me to her friends? It didn’t fit. Like a puzzle piece that belongs to the picture but won’t click into place.

I had to find out. I didn’t have her number, and she’d already said she doesn’t talk to boys unless they’re really close to her — so I contacted her mediator friend instead.

This is what I actually wrote in my notes that night, word for word that I wanted to convey her:

• Hi
• Hey, I just wanted to ask you some questions to clear up some misunderstandings
• After hearing no, I felt really sad at first — but then honestly, I felt good. I thought she must be happy with whatever her choice is
• But then the sadness came back, harder this time. I realized I can’t be part of that happiness
• I know it’ll take a lot of time to stop liking her, but I won’t force love on someone — if I did, I’d hate myself
• There’s just one thing I don’t understand — something that doesn’t fit
• Why did she used to shout my name? Why did she ask her friends about me? Why did she look at me like that?
• Did I misunderstand something? Is there something I should know?

She took 24 hours to reply. I typed “hi” and she replied “what?”

I felt real bad. I just said — “I think I’ve got my answers. I won’t ask anymore.” And said bye.

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Now

I’m trying to cope with what just happened. I’m trying to notice other girls, trying to like someone new — but I can’t. Nobody is clicking. Maybe because somewhere in my head I still owe her an apology, and until I give it, she’s not leaving.

Now I keep making scenarios in my head — how will I apologize when school reopens? What will our first interaction look like after all of this?

Even though she rejected me, somewhere in my heart I still believe she likes me. But even holding onto that belief, my life has lost all its vibrance. Nothing feels good right now. I’m losing my temper with my mom too quickly, and that makes me feel worse about myself — because I love my mom.

I don’t know if this always happens to people who get rejected. And I wonder about the other side too — does she feel good about it? Does she think “I rejected someone today wow I feel good” ?

I don’t have those answers yet. But I’m writing this to figure it out.

You could leave you comments if you think it was all my fault?